Akatsuki's not so merry Christmas
by Guardian of Atlantis
Summary: It's Christmas time and Hidan and Kakuzu need a present. A present to avoid that dreaded taskHidanKakuzu genfic! Akatsukicentric OneShot


Akatsuki has a not so merry Christmas

Author's note: I really felt inspired a passionate after reading something posted on a forum so to get into the Christmas spirit here's my first Hidan/Kakuzu friendship fic. Christmas themes though. Post-335, some swearing and some OOCness

"Fuck you Kakuzu sew my head back on" Hidan yelled at his money-loving partner.

"Listen it's your fault that we barely escaped those kids and Sharingan Kakashi, not to mention the fact that you got all our money just cause you can't keep your shirt on" Kakuzu replied nonchalantly.

"Hey it was that heathen with those knives fault. He's the one who burned off my cloak off as well as making me drop your fucking money" he shouted back pissed that he was being blamed for their current situation.

"And what about you taking off the remainder of your cloak?" Kakuzu asked annoyed.

"I was trying to get those shitheads off of our backs, so we can escape damn it you can at least show some gratitude that I saved your remaining 4 fucking hearts!" Hidan exclaimed hoping at least for a 'thank you' from his fellow S-Ranked criminal.

"And losing money in the process? Why can't you be more like that guy who keeps on trapping you with his shadow?" Kakuzu said to the swearing head he was holding by the hair. "Quite comparing me to that little shithead!" Hidan replied or at least his head did. "I find your lack of head disturbing Hidan" Kakuzu said slightly worried about the next generation if all future Jashin followers were like his partner

Ah yes it was Christmas now every year Akatsuki now every organization has its own rituals even if they were murderous S-Ranked criminals. It was tradition for Akatsuki every Christmas to give the Leader a present. A good one too not for the spirit of the occasion but to avoid that dreaded fate that everyone fears…it involved personal time with the leader. And everyone knew that meant for lack of better words…a horrifying and traumatic experience that can make even the best ninjas beg for mercy. But here Hidan and Kakuzu were without money to buy the Leader present and were now wandering a town aimlessly.

"So what the fuck are we going to do smartass? Beg for money? Cause if we are why don't we do it already?" Hidan impatiently asked hoping he could have at least a body for Christmas. Kakuzu stared at Hidan with a evil glint in his eyes and then said "No I've got a better idea and you're going to like it" Scared by his partner's unusual look Hidan replied, "Alright Kakuzu you are planning to take me to the bounty house are ya? I mean I'm not worth anything"

Unperturbed Kakuzu began to walk with Hidan responding with a tirade of 'colourful language' some of which included "you fucking heathen". As he continued his round of insults many questions went through his head. Was this the last he will of the daylight? Will he ever get the chance to question Deidara's gender again? And will Santa give him a new body for Christmas? Good bye world, Hidan thought as Kakuzu carried him to …the nearest mall?

"Sing" Kakuzu stated. "Sing?" what kind of demand was the heathen giving this time? As the masked Shinobi raised his eyebrow at Hidan's intelligence or should I say lack thereof he said "Did you lose your brain as well when I cut off your head? You know open your mouth and say stuff except with a rhythm?" "Like what you f… Oh no, you are not making me sing those asswipe excuses for songs" Hidan said enraged that his partner would request a follower of Jashin to do such a dreadful task. "I am not singing especially not in front of these fucking heathens!"

"Hidan you fool would you rather complete 'that task'?" Kakuzu asked shivering at the very thought of it. As Hidan stare in shock he finally said "Alright fine, fine I'll do it but you owe me one you bastard" Amazed at how easy he was able to convince the whining religious cleric he simply said "Just start singing"

"I'm going to do it, Kakuzu quit fucking complaining" Hidan bellowed. And so the talking head began to sing...

Deck the halls with Dei-Chan's panties

Fa lalalalala……….. Fuck this is stupid

At last after much blood sweat and tears Hidan and Kakuzu had amassed enough money to avoid 'the dreaded task', some gave their money merely for the reasons they were disturbed by Hidan's appearance. Others just gave the money mockingly saying 'you have a good voice' to Hidan which he replied to with "Shut the fuck up you fucking heathen".

On the way back to the lair, Kakuzu felt triumphant. Why wouldn't he? He just made Hidan make a fool of himself and he has just enough money to save up for himself. Hidan on the other hand felt like an idiot. Which is strange because that's what he pretty much is. Hidan knew he had a bad voice and he couldn't believe Kakuzu made him use it!

As Hidan thought of ways to sacrifice Kakuzu this Christmas a certain annoying brat interrupted his thoughts. A certain orange, swirly-faced, masked brat who then said to Hidan in the worse possible time "You made Deidara cry, you meanie. Deidara is not a girl!, Tobi thinks you only said that cause Hidan is an Emo" "WHAT!", Hidan yelled "That's right you better run fuckwit I am going to skewer you so fucking bad you won't see it coming" And yes Deidara was crying but mainly over the fact he has to spend his first Christmas with his moron of a partner. Ah yes this truly was a golden Christmas

So in the end Sir Leader was pleased his loyal subordinates. This year he got a life-size sculpture of himself, a rare specimen of flower, an umbrella and from our heroes-a shiny new scythe with the words "Merry Christmas Shithead" engraved. But a certain someone was about to face the ultimate consequences known as…the dreaded task

"Come on boy just do it, just do it" Leader spoke softly. Currently he was on all fours and his pants were to his knee revealing his "red moon". "Come on Itachi, 'just do it'" Kisame encouraged. Disgruntled Itachi he moved himself close to the leader's butt inch by inch. And closer and closer and then Itachi did it, he couldn't believe he did it. His lips met the leader's cheeks and he kissed it! "Alright boys that's all for today, I hope you remember to buy me a present next year. Let's not forget you two have to ass kiss me for the rest of the year and believe me you two are going to have to do a lotta ass-kissing as repayment for your lack of present" Leader said. Emotionlessly Itachi could only say after his dehumanizing task "Damn"

Author's note: Found it funny? Didn't like it? Leave a review for me so I can improve next time please Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Oh and yes I am convinced that Hidan sounds like a stereotypical Emo (and no don't use this as an excuse to make him randomly start cutting) once he said and I quote "Now do you understand the pain of others?" and his rituals are pretty much self-harm.


End file.
